Houston, the carpet has lift off

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Every carpet is like Sunday

It's April 25th here in this prison, and they are treating us well. The booter butt has pretty much all but cleaned itself up. The days are getting longer, because in 72 or so hours I will be on two flights that will take me home. The end of this voyage is upon, and it's been awesome and amazing. Today might be the laziest day I've ever had out here. Its been good, but it's also a reminder that I hate Sundays, because they are boring and depression always creeps up when I cant sleep, blah blah blah. Im super stoked that I will be coming home soon. I wish I was already there. I am fortunate to have working arms. Seriously, fuck the guy last night at Beggar's Canyon, which is an intersection where the poorest of the poor come up to your window in traffic begging for money. This guy had t'rex arms. That's the second t'rex arms experience in my life, and why do I have to be so lucky to have that happen twice. I dont understand. Shit haunts me. Yea, dinosaurs are awesome, but people with t'rex arms freak me out. I wish it didnt, but fuck, even if I was to give this man some money it would involve touching him, and fuck that. Those backwards slinky wrists couldnt grip the ghandi's if I had tried to hand it to him, and lets say I had. I would've put the money note on his chest, and he would have been forced to lean that t'rex arm against his chest. Then, I took the wind into consideration. Had there been a breeze, it would have flown away, due to his lack of grip, which would have caused him to take off, and be forced to fall on the money to pick it up, or use his feet to grab, and what if he falls on the money, and misses. Then the money is long gone, and not only have I thought I did a poor fellow a favor, I made his life worse by offering money, and only having it fly away. And seriously, there were so many beggars ready to pounce on this weak man. A five year old could have kicked his ass, so I did the rightful and kept my head straight and did not give him any money. I suck. I cant help these poor people, and I refuse to make someone's life worse, which is what would have happened had I given this t'rex arm guy money. His arm wouldve ended up broken, and that would've come back to haunt me double time. I'm hoping this is the last t'rex arm experience in my life, but I'm afraid it's not. The 3rd time will be a charm, and those arms will end up picking my nose or something, and I'll be forced to head to Saigon to find that whore who bit off Chris Farley's nose, and pay her to bite off my nose. G-SEVEEAAAAWWWWNNNNN.

It's funny to look back in life and figure out how the fuck did I end up in this situation. My current situation stems back all the way to being twelve years old, and 14 years later amongst a bunch of different webs of people and choices and situations in life I ended up in Hyderabad, India. Life's weird, and who knows where it will take me next and what person or web of people will have a positive or negative effect on me and my life. The direction is open to anything, and hell who knows where I could end up. The people I've met so far continue to be amazing. It's been one hell of a ride so far, and I hope the good times never end.

Rob, I'm gonna need you to give me a Ronnie Thunder tattoo when I get home. I really dont care what it looks like, just make it happen, and I'll kick you some ends. Autosave is failing, this means the google plex just collapsed, and skynet is running everything. They couldnt wait 2 fucking years like they were supposed to, welp fuck em. We got John Connor, BITCH!!!!!!! When the gates of hell open up, and Turbo Man himself is no longer Governor, we are fucked. Laters society, hello skulls for roads. The only way to stop this is if the sharks win the cup this year. If this happens, San Jose will be set on fire, and it might reach Mountain View to stop Google and Skynet from taking over the world.

When did you last get drunk? OVER THE WEEKEND YOU STUPID BITCH!

American Song Playlist
Bruce Springsteen-Born in the USA
Kid Rock-American Bad Ass
Tom Petty-American Girl
Miley Cyrus-Party in the USA
Beach Boys-Surfin USA
Creedence Clearwater Revival-Fortunate Son

Hang on carpet, Turn 4 is might treachorous

You ever get that empty feeling in your stomach? When nothing else matters around you, and your bowels tighten and you're left wondering how? and why? when it comes to everything. Nothing will make it go away, and nothing will ever make it any easier. Not friends, not drugs, love, violence. The only cure is dedication, but for what? to not be embarrassed? That's a stupid reason to have a feeling. I'm talking about having bubble guts and super soaking toilets with my ass. Yea, my stomach is empty, because nothing is there. I havent eaten much, because it turns to thin pudding and doesnt like to hang out very long. Hell yea I got cramps and my bowels tighten, and I'm dedicated because I dont want the embarrassment of shitting my pants. I was 20 last time that happened, and I'll be 27 soon. So, I got a good streak on my hands. As for my stomach, well fuck it. How did I last 6 weeks in India without shitting my brains out. I even took the medicine they gave me, and it chilled me out for two days, but I ate some pasta and it immediately ressurrected that zombie that has been living in my ass that I thought was gone. This shit better be done before next week. Oh well, these beers arent gonna hurt anything, cuz it really cant get any worse. Its 112 degrees and I'm worried about soup dripping down the back of my thighs, hell it'll probably cool me off a bit. Its way too hot out here to be shitting myself, actually there is never a good time to shit yourself. Shitting ones self makes you worthless, like a fucking baby. I dont wanna be a baby, I'm a big boy. I did all the things my uncle told me would make hair grow on my chest, and it worked a little bit. Adults dont shit their pants, and technically, law states I'm an adult. I cant shit my pants until I'm a senior citizen, and by the time that comes, technology will be so far advanced, people wont even shit anymore. We will be like the parasite eye worms that can leach onto your eyes, and turn 100% of the food they eat into energy, thus not needing an asshole for anything, which is the government and the churches plan to rid the world of anal sex, which they hope will rid the world of male on male homosexual intercourse. And the young mind thinks, what if they only make out and suck each other off like woman, and still love each other as a companion, and immediately the young mind is slapped in the back of the head, because sewing up the asshole will rid the world of anal sex. Period. This, is fact according to the church. But, seriously, if you read this, and thought I was being emo about something fuck off. My asshole is having torrential downpours of brown showers and I hate it. Kill me please. There is no happy ending.

I'm coming home in a week, and I couldnt be anymore stoked. Back to reality. Back to the real world. I've been in a dream world for two months, not really this experience has been a mind blowing, eye opening trip down the rabbit hole that's changed a few perspectives, and made many new friends and lots of laughs that I'll remember forevor. But, isnt that everyday. It should be. The only bummer is that Merauder is playing at Gilman the same night that I have tickets to see the Murder City Devils. Never seen the Murder City Devils, so score for me. The internet will work when I get home, it sure as hell doesnt work good out here. India has more cell phones than toilets, FACT. This country needs a big dance party, and I aint talking bout line dancing in the streets to a song mumbling bout pre-determined marriages to make the smartest engineer possible.

I think my tattoo may be infected. Oh well, I told ya'll I was gonna die out here. Everyone told me, but the hand on this fool is fucked up. His index finger is tiny, but his other fingers are hella fat, and there is a few lines that are supposed to look like detail for the palm, but it looks like an Atlanta Braves "A". HAHAHAHHA, win for me. Braves World Series 2010. Go fuck yourself, and knock over a porta potty at the stadium. I bet you wont. I dont think you'll do it.


I miss you.

Riding the carpet bareback, It's the only way.

Welp, I'm still alive. Kinda happy that I'm alive, and I dont mean that in any morbid or sadistic sense. It's fucking good to be alive, and be an American. I'm gonna try to recap on the entire Goa trip. A lot happened, and this blog is for me. And only me, but you can enjoy if you like. First off, my grammar isnt horrible, I"m dyslexic. I often leave words out of sentences, and when I proofread my emails/blogs/facebook posts i read two thoughts ahead of the sentence I am scanning(not reading), and I always seem to fuck it up. Well fuck it. I talk ass backwards half of the time. Rot gut caught up with me. I took the Cyppro tonight. My stomach was fucked, has been for a few days, but it didnt slow me down, but some guy at a bathroom in Baga Beach is pissed, or shall I say not happy that I sprayed shit all over the way. Maybe it's my gift to India, a way of saying thanks for the piss ass. There was no need to thank them, because they know, oh they know. Besides, it was a fucking accident and no turds or turd water got on me or my clothes. Score for me.

Let's see. At the Indian airports you dont walk to your terminal, or walk outside onto steps onto a plane. They put you on a bus, and the bus takes for to the other side of the tarmac, where you get on the plane. Our plane was Kingfischer Air, which is bigger than Budweiser here and they dont serve beer. We arrive at the plane, and it has props and looks like something repainted from the 1940's or a prop from the set of an Indiana Jones film. This thing was like a roller coaster ride, and I kept laughing way too loud every time the plane dipped. After telling the stewdardess that I love her, we arrive in Goa. It's been hot in Hyderabad, but it was just as hot, with hella humidity. Sweat central, I'm talking swamp ass dumpy drawers. Our cab driver from the airport to the hotel stops in the middle of nowhere to unload some trash, I thought we were fucked, and this is where I was going to die. Im alive. A life insurance conference rave was going on at our hotel, and everyone was completely shit faced. Falling down drunk everywhere. We had a few drinks and called it a night, since we worked that morning, so I had been up since 6:45. The first day we get dropped off at the beach, and we rent bikes. Greg gets a motorcycle and me a scooter. The dude we got them from didnt take our names, just our hotel room number, and asked if we had a license. I never answered if I had a license. The dude had something growing in his road rash, it was green and yellow and he shook my hand anyways. I almost killed these people while they were trying to enjoy their lunch. Not on purpose, on the bike. Driving a bike in India is insane and awesome. We went to Baga Beach, and I set up a tattoo appointment. The guys asked if I could leave them a deposit. I said sure, but I got hella serious with them and told them if they were not there when I came for my appointment that I would throw a brick through their window, and they said funny joke, and I let them know I wasnt kidding. This was shitty of me, but I expected to lose this money, because you dont just give people money in return for something a few days later, especially in a 3rd world country. The beach in Goa is something serious. One of the most beautiful places I have ever been to on the planet. Lots of laid back Indian folk, a good amount of English and Australian tourists with some sketchy Russians mixed in. Why are they sketchy? Keep reading and find out. The beach had a two or three thousand people there, but it didnt seem crowded, and some places were remote. All of my friends who previously came to Goa told me to go to Planet Goa, so we found this place.

Planet Goa is a beach shack that we went to everyday that had good music, awesome seafood, cheap beer, and excellent service all in the sand. Paradise for dirt cheap. I was sweating the entire time, and didnt like the hagglers, but man what a view. I couldnt stop saying "I'm in India, the other side of the world and this is paradise" Just like everyone told me, if you ever make it to India, you have to make it to Goa. It will change your life. Plus, I love the beach. Planet Goa is run by the "DON", well a large man named Joe who looked like Christopher Wallace aka The Notorious B.I.G. It's like they say, mo money mo problems. Dude has hella good people working for him, and some of the best shrimp and fish ever. Feni drinks galore. All the dogs in India are skinny as fuck, but Planet Goa had 8-10 of the fattest/laziest dogs I have ever seen that enjoy rice and left overs all day long.

After the first day at the beach, we go back to the hotel and jump in the pool. I say hello to this guy at the bar at the pool while ordering a drink, and he is shit faced and speaking only Russian. No problem. I look at his arm, and he has serious fucking road rash all down the backside of his arm, and his girlfriend's leg looks like it prolly is going to get gang green because she used the road as cheese grater on one of her legs. All of a sudden Greg says, look what I found and points to the bar that is in the pool, and what do you know, a coke sack is laying on the bar, and I say what the fuck, and we both start laughing. Immediately at this point I step on something, and I say, hey I found some old ladies glasses and pull them up with my feet, and they are Greg's glasses that he didnt even know he lost in the pool. I saved his life at the very moment that he let the Russian dude know that his coke sack got soaked in the pool. I'm glad the bartender didnt think it was ours. A few days later we were in the pool, and that guy left and almost fell in the bar, and over a few chairs. His buddy paid, but he took the money. The bartender came back, and said "that guy is HIGH" we got a good laugh.

Jessie arrived Thursday night. I was too drunk/hungover to do anything. Drinking in the sun all day'll getcha. Friday we went to some fort with a lighthouse which was a good hour ride on the scooters. I got sunburned like a mother fucker, because I was wearing a tank top. Hauling ass on a scooter, passing cows and an elephant. Went to Anjuna beach, which had the most amazing view. We chatted it up with some Welsch couple, and he told me about his two tattoos from Two Thumbs Tommy in the 50's from Singapore. Found out about the volcano that might fuck my ride home. Instead of going over Iceland or Europe, we got straight over Santa Clause's house at the North Pole. I'd like to say hello, but the only way is if we crash, and I'm sure the crew of the plane would sacrifice me to a polar bear before we even found Ole Kris Kringles slave shop. We went back to Planet Goa, I ended up with a shell necklace that I"m going to wear everyday until it breaks. It sucks, and I dont give a fuck. Saturday we hung out all day at the hotel, because it was too hot, so we went to the beach for the sunset and drank til late on the beach at Planet Goa. Learned a lot about the area from a few people, and got wasted.

Sunday, leaving day, or shall I say the best and worst decision of 2010. I got tattoo'd at a shop I wouldnt step foot inside if I was in America. The dudes were so nice, and did not wear shoes. Hello hepatitis, but I got my shots before I left, so I'm ok, for now at least. The guys used fresh needles, and brand new tubes, but I was still sketched out. The front door of the shop had a picture of Eminem from his album cover of him showing off his tribal tats and his tat of Haley. Also, on the wall were many people's tattoos that were not tattoo'd at this place. The guys took pics of all of my tattoos and told me they would print them, and put them on their wall for me to see next time I came. So, they can tell all their clients that all of the retarded ones I have were done at their shop. Now, my expectations were low going into this, but I feel that it came out decent, and by that, I mean a lil better than ok. HAHAHA, it still sucks and rules and I got ripped off on the price, but, oh well. I knew it was all bad when the chair was taken, and we almost got started with us on the floor. Dude then takes out what he shows me to be a new straight razor out of carboard box and says "see, clean" and then shaves my leg. Well, he sliced me the fuck open. I'm like, god damn it, but I'm only going through with this, because Nate Martin and I pussied out on getting Bobsled tattoos in the Bahamas. This was sketchier times 1000. The dudes were too nice, and we had a bunch of weird conversations. I apologized for threatening them that I would throw a brick through their window if they fucked me on my money, and they said no worries. They kept saying, "if you have good mind, you make good tattoo" Words of wisdom. The convos got on a weird tip, and they were telling me that they dont do cross tattoos, because it's a bad omen or something. The last one they did the woman did not pay for, and her next tattoo got hella infected. And they dont do tattoos of any religous things on your heart,chest, or back because the gods wont like it. Then, they explained to me why beautiful Goa is screwed in two to three years. The Russians. The locals hate the Russians, and the English have come in fewer number due to the Russians selling drugs and women and strong arming the locals. And it gives a lot of local people money, but in the bad way, and it makes people crazy and violent. Communist India, think about it. This is fucked, because India has very little crime. Well, Hyderabad and Goa have little crime. I cant speak for the larger cities. Greg and Jessie arrived at the shop, and one of the guys yelled "YEA MAN, YOU DONT PAY FOR PUSSY" Too funny. Deccan Chargers are in the semi finals. So, with all this said, I got a tattoo in India, and I'm probably gooder than dead. See ya on the other side with my man on a flying carpet with a lighning bolt necklace and a turbine with OK SIR on the bottom of the carpet. I know, Rusty, you're an idiot. I feel so bad for you.

My long weekend in Goa was very relaxing. I wish I could stay there forevor. If I could hook up a job with enough money to live on, I would stay there for a season, or a year. It is that awesome. I dont need much to survive, and fuck that place is just too awesome. I cant describe how amazing it is. Everyone should travel here, its a paradise lost in a shit hole. Boats almost running over each other, shipping lanes with tankers to your left, palm trees and cliffs and postcard views of everything to your right. I dont have any pics, but this guy has some, but none from Goa yet.

jaythroughglass.blogspot.com

Less than ten days left in India. I'll be living at the Hollywood house when I get home. Bike rides in the cool summer air, and baseball games everyday.

If this carpet is a flying, dont come a knockin

A friend of mine lost his brother earlier this week. Tim, dont know if you'll read this, but my heart goes out to you, and your family during this tough time. The world has lost a true AMERICAN.

We have been moved to the guest houses from the Luxor Inn, because we were treated horribly there. I began writing on my post cards to my mother and my boss, and then folding the post cards into origami's in hopes that the pigeon would somehow think it was his young, and just know to jump on that airplane's undercarriage, and get his ass to America to let everyone know that I was living in a prison with hard beds, and rotten food. That's beyond sarcastic. The Luxor Inn was a fabulous place where they treated us like kings, and now we are at a guest house where they treat us like royalty. I dont see the difference, other than the internet is not that strong, so I havent updated this jam in about a week. So, a lot can happen in a week, and not much at all. I hope I cover it all, even though I know I wont. I really dont want this post to be too long, because I'm scared it might not post due to the power going out a few times every hour and the router restarting. India cant handle all the jiggawatts. And the power just went out, and hasnt come back on.

On to something serious, that I know I will regret. A guy at work told me there is a tattoo shop about ten kilometers from here, and that it is very hygenic, like a surgeon. Just like the weird Al song, and I was sold. That's that. I"m gonna get a tattoo in India. I dont know what yet, but it will either have a flying carpet, a monkey, a dinosaur bone, Ben Laden, or a bunch of trash burning. Who knows, but if any of you assholes that read this wanna give me a bad idea, then please leave a comment. I've already decided to take the plunge, and there is no pussying out this time. Me and Nate already did that in the Bahamas, and this will probably be sketchier, but fuck it. I got my hepatitis shot before I left, so I"m coooh. And if my arm or leg falls off, then it was by the grace of your God, and just meant to be. No one is talking me out of this, so dont even try. I'm getting this even if its on the street and a rat shits on it while they do it. You only live once.

Today it was 44 degrees celsius, and for Americans that means it was 111 degrees Farenheit. Fuck you power, turn back on. It's hot as shit in this mother fucker. And I wanna post this jam. Talked to a guy about music, told him I like punk rock, and he says "we call that pussy rock". He likes metal. It was awesome. They have weddings on the weekends and shoot off fireworks and it sounds like a rave outside of our place. Saw a guy with a Suicidal Tendencies shirt on. A guy I work with looks like a secret agent. He has a perfect stache from a Lesley Neilsen movie. These Kingfischers aint gonna drink themselves.

Going to Goa on Wednesday. Should be hot. Should be fun, lots of time to relax with cold beer.

If this thing aint flying it aint shit

DOES THIS INTERNET WORK AT THE GUEST HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK YOU MR. BEAN

I made a bid on a flying carpet on ebay that was from the set of Nick Arcade

Not much to report from Hyderabad, but a lot ranting from my end. We'll see if I can make it through this. Duke won the national title. Baseball season started today. The Braves kicked some major ass. Jason Heyward hit a homerun at his first major league at bat. I'm skeptic, because it's too early to tell about this kid, but damn, I'm excited and hope he can reach his potential. It would be awesome for the Braves. The team looks to be the best of the last ten years. We shouldnt have made the playoffs at the tail end of that 14 year run. Lets hope the magic comes back this year. It's Bobby's farewell tour, and probably Chipper's last stand. Sucks that the Braves will be in SF this weekend, and I'll be in Hyderabad. So this means that I have to make a trip to Atlanta to go to at least one Braves game this year.

Next, I am going to compile a list of things/items that do not exist in India.

-Shoes in my size. I want some of the pointy sparkly shoes, and I cant find them.

-Bic Lighters. I used to have one, it was magnificent.

-Easter, or the Easter Bunny.

-One Cocksparrer fan.


-Rules. There are no rules.

-Saying no. Its not in their vocabulary.

-Basketball Jerseys.

-3 meat sandwiches.

-Straight edge vegan cops.

I've been thinking about the first things I want to do when I arrive home. Grill out with forties and homies. Go to the driving range. Ride my bike. Go to the beach in Davenport. Go to a handdfull of hardcore shows. Eat a burrito. Go swimming.

Like a Porsche in Bad Boys, a flying carpet does not come with cup holders

Indian Easter does not exist. The bunny didnt make it to my room, because I kept it locked so those fucking weirdos wont sneak in while I'm sleeping, or almost sleeping like last week. The bunny might be creepier than that zombie moving a rock from a cave. Hey kids, I'm a stranger that will leave you a basket full of candy, and later on you will need to hunt for my eggs in your yard. Bunnies laying multicolored eggs full of candy is fucked up. Bet whoever thought up the easter bunny didnt count on him driving a van with no windows in 2010 asking kids if they like candy. He does, and you should be ashamed if you let your child sit on that drunken carney's lap. A carney needs work too on the off season to keep up with his meth habit. So parents, if your kid sat on the easter bunny, the guy in the suit prolly had a boner from looking at you, and he definitely drinks whiskey during his breaks. And you payed for this experience for your child. HAPPY EASTER everyone.

Found out about $8 US full body massage for 90 minutes. No happy endings because its not an azn woman giving the massage.

I wonder if they have roller skates in this country, or if they just saw the movie, ATL and thought what the fuck, how do all these people have wheels on their feet when they feel like dancing. Maybe there is a hidden roller rink in one of these palaces that was built for a son/daughter that visited an uncle in Dallas, TX and got invited to a birthday party at the SparkleDust skate center, where the DJ owns two cd's. So-So-Def Bass Allstars Vol 2 and the Spaghetti Incident by Guns n Roses. Does this make the dj a bad person, no it does not. What makes him a bad person is that he bangs out the girls that continue to frequent the skating rink post middle school. Thats some pedophile shit, because the dj is at least 22 and these girls are 14-16. The girls gotta take the freedom that their parents will allow. 6-7 years at teh skating rink and the parents dont worry. Well, they oughta be. Mr. 22 year old dj has scratched records between your underage daughters legs, and you just wonder who has that half fixed up mini truck outside. It's the dj, he could have more time to fix his truck had he not been working on a being a lifer or living legend at the local roller rink. His real life sucks, but people not only respect him, but they also praise him, and it's like the wise man once said "I stay older, and they stay the same age". Seriously, who the fuck would ever want to work at a roller rink. So to the Indian father that built his son or daughter their own personal skating rink in Hyderabad, dont hire an American dj. Bad decisions will be made, and not by choice, but that's the role that faith plays once you get the skating rink. Next comes the half done mini truck, touching underage girls, a lethal weapon 2 pinball machine that doesnt work, and 2 cd's that will give you no option to give your son/daughter an awesome car for their 16th birthday to get them the fuck outta that roller rink.

I dont plan on dying soon, but I want this played at my funeral. Hell, I never thought I'd live to see 21, so now I have no choice but to ruin everyone's day with a smile until I'm at least 80.

We dont fake it, we just take it(your flying carpet)

Writing this as I just listened to Madball on the rooof of my hotel. This post will prolly be scaterbrained as fuck, and mis-spelled. Deal with it. We had dinosaur meat for dinner at the train restraunt. Our curried meat came with a dinosaur bone hanging off the plate, and my coworkers took some pics witht hat that Dino leg in my mouth. Also, talked the guy who repeats my beer to lemme wear his turbine while I got my picture taken.

I was the victim today of a joke that never gets old. Some asshole layed a thick curry fart in the elevator and got off as I walked in the elevator. I thought it was pretty funny, even though it sucked to be me. I got news for you Indians and anyone for that matter, let it be known that I'm gonna try my damn-dest to rip ass on an elevator and step off. Consider it a gift, but not the kind that creep Santa Clause brings. I'm the bringer of the stink, and I'll laugh. We've all done it before, empty elevator, no ladies are present, and a question arises. How do you like your toast? Burnnnnnnnttttt. And all of a sudden a bomb ass lady is waiting to enter as you exit the elevator, and is her day ruined, or does she laugh kinda like I did earlier today. She laughs because she has done this before, or knows that she will get pay back on the next sorry son of a bitch that steps into that lift machine.

Some kid grabbed my legs tonight while I was taking a piss, and his dad told his son they are just tattoos, and he apologized many a times. I told him not to worry about it. Then, I told him thtat when his son is my age he will have more tattoos than me. He didnt think it was funny. Then, we got in an elevator and I was violated by a 3 year old kids. First off, fuck being in an elevator with 17 people. This kids hands were all in my crotch, and I looked down and his dad knocked him in the side of the head, and then his face was in my crutch. Seriously, what the fuck. I started laughing and telling my coworkers about it.

I should prolly take my malaria medication. I dont wanna lose my legs, or my arms. Or have essential organs shut down. My death is supposed to be by getting hit by a train, not malaria, so I think I've got this battle won whether I take the pills or not. Lucky me.

Do military flying carpets come in camo?

I've got a lot more time here in India, and wanna decorate my room. I figure I can rasturbate a few pictures and cover the walls in my hotel room. The next question is what pictures? An 8ft long cock that would blow the minds of housekeeping. Maybe, that's a good idea, but work is paying for this room. Pic of Morrissey, maybe. Pic of all the homies, maybe. Good Burger scenes, yes. Now, if I can find sticky tack or push pins, but these probably dont exist.

We found q tips today. Greg asked for ear plugs and they brought q tips called Johnson and Johnson ear buds. Score for us. I've been watching United Blood videos all night. Sucks, it looked like a lot of fun. I hella miss all the Atlanta friends. I'm hoping to visit this summer. Grill outs, hardcore, Braves games, and debauchery. I"m real excited to get back on my bike when I get to the homeland. It's weird to say that, get back to the homeland. I am a fucking American, and this is the first time I've been out of America that is not a tourist trap. Some people here are stoked on western culture, and I am one of the last people to represent American culture. Lucky them. I keep getting asked if I'm married. They say Americans look for love marriage and then laugh. Which leads me to something I have noticed. I cant help but check out women. Tits and ass are awesome. These guys dont. A bodacious babe walks by and the men pay no mind. Dont care. They are given a woman, chosen by their father, then it's up to them to fuck or not, or get along. I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's entirely different and works for these people.

Friends, Friends, Friends. I miss my friends and family. I saw the guy that was in the Short Circuit movies today. BEEN-JAH-MEN. I realized it wasnt him. I wasnt bummed, actually excited. Johnny 5 wouldnt survive in Hyderabad. He would need some serious tank tracks. No los locos to kick his ass into outer space here. Or diamonds that are worth digging a fucking tunnel to steal. See India, if you would get the diamonds, then you could get Johnny fucking 5. Get with the program, cuz robots/terminators are the wave of the future. Skynet is real, i know, because I work for them. And since that city changed it's name to Google, well Google is going to change its name to Skynet, and in two years the apocolypse will come, and I hope you enjoy yourself between now and then because we are all fucked. Way to go planet Earth.

Had an ok dinner tonight, but the setting was awesome. Outside on a rooftop restraunt. Sitting on a flintsone couch made of stone. Who in their right mind thought that would be ideal, but I enjoyed it. All of the delicous food looks like puppy poo. My bathroom only smells in the morning. Enough to make me wanna vomit. Its as if a cesspool lives underneath the marble floor and hangs out to ruin my shower every morning. Thanks bathroom for making me cuss like a sailor and choke every morning.

It's been six years since I lost a good friend Darrell Beasley. Miss you bud. This is for you. We did so much stupid shit together in high school and right after. Teaching your parrott to sing Ruby Soho will always put a smile on my face, and you hitting the wet floor sign everyday in highschool and busting your ass in front of a big crowd of people and running away like you are embarrassed, knowing damn well you did it on purpose.

Get the FUCK off! This carpet aint big enough for the both of us.

Asshole of the year award goes to Alex Gibbs for the best April Fool's Day gag by letting the world know that he is engaged to the lovely Paige Rolla-Dooby-Didder-syughtheng. HAHAHA. I still dont know if this is a joke or not. If it is, hell yes. If it's not a joke, and real, well. HELL YES. Congratulations buddy. You are a fucking asshole. You sold out, and joined the club by committing to take the plunge. Seriously, I'm stoked for ya. I hope you invite me to ruin your wedding.

I'm going to see a cricket match this evening at a bar. Cricket is life here, and I"m excited to see how rowdy everyone gets behind their team, the Deccan FUCKING Chargers. They know, even Arnold knows. Go CHARGUHZ Go.

Society has changed a lot since the days of the internet. One way is your uncle or neighbor's porn stash. In the future, porn will be in a locked, or thought to be hidden file on a computer that any young adolescent can get to with a quick roll of the fingers across a keyboard. No longer are the days of finding a box of porno mags/videos in the woods, closet, or shed of your friends dad, or your neighbor. Those days are long gone, and will be soon forgotten. Also, you will no longer find cheat code books at a childrens book fair at the school's library. I guess that asshole can stick to Porsche posters and Clifford the Big Red Dog books. Speaking of Clifford, that was Martin Short's best movie. Watch it, and be amazed by the sheer genius. Dana Carvey tried to recapture the magic of this movie with some other stupid shit, but nothing will ever be as dumb or great as Clifford.

Baseball season is starting soon. The Braves are the talk of the town with Jason Heyward. We actually have a decent team. Larry "Chipper" Jones is going to take Bobby Cox's last ride this year one to remember. WORLD SERIES 2010. Fuck you for thinking otherwise.

I want my flying carpet to have a big ass 3 hanging on the side of it.

Lots of fighting going on in Hyderabad. 25 police areas are under a curfew. 2 people are dead. Many have been stabbed, and hundreds are injured. Over 100 people arrested. Hindus vs Muslims. Throwing rocks at cops. Burning cars, motorycles, shops, mosques, and temples all over a religious festival. I'm only 5 miles away in my hotel room. Someone should tell all these people that they are stupid, because as an American we know the Christian god is the only god, and these people are wasting their time, because they are wrong(sarcasm). Is it crazy that I wanna get down with the mob mentality and blow some shit up, throw rocks at cops, raise hell, and get away with it. Yes, it's stupid, and there is no chance in hell that I would participate, but we all want our own revolution. Our parents got Vietnom, and I got myspace and the internet. Lucky me. It's better that I havent participated in a revolution, because I'd probably be dead, and not for doing something stupid but running my mouth and pissing off the wrong person.

I cut all my hair off yesterday. My mustache has the longest hair on my head. The power lies within the stash. Yesterday, I had to go to the police station to finish up my residential permit registration. I met the head officer at the station in Cyberbad, and he asked why I have a mustache now, but not in my passport photo from 2007. I told him that I have become a man, and grown a power stache. I then complimented him, and his colleague on their mustaches, letting them know that their staches mean business, and they agreed. Then the head officer starts talking trash to my sponsor, Oscar, saying that he is weak because he doesnt have a mustache. We laughed, and Oscar did not think it was funny. Little back story, Oscar seemed intimidated by everyone at the police station. I guess no one has ever just shot the shit with this head officer, but he seemed to like me. The data entry guy asked what my religion was, and I had put not applicable, and he looked at me and said what is your religion, and I told him I dont have one. He looked at me like I'm crazy, and said you have no religion? He got real with me, because I had a form that said I'm staying at a unit in the Luxor Inn with a letter head from Google, but I entered my actual room number into the system online. It got sketchy, because at this point I didnt think he would approve my jam. Permit approved.

Tomorrow is April Fools Day, and all of you are in trouble. The aliens are gonna land and eat scrumptious burritos. Mmmhmmm, I wish I had a burrito. Fuck, even a bomb burrito from 7/11 would be too sick right now. But, back to these aliens. They contacted me in my dreams last night, and told me I could let a select few know about their arrival. And since no one actually reads my ranting bullshit, I'll fill the lucky ones in on this. The shirts from Spencers from middle school were right. They want you to take them to your dealer. They are here to inform all of California to register to vote, because the legal weed issue will be voted by the citizens in November on a ballot. Many will support this legislation, but will probably not be registered in time to vote on this issue come November, so the aliens are coming in full force to encourage everyone to get registered. They think like stoners, because they are stoners, because they have to do something to pass the time while traveling in space. Even at light speed, it takes a long fucking time to get around in space. The weird part is that you wont know who the aliens are due to their amazing disguises. I hate smoking weed, but its bout time someone tried to pass something on this. I'm glad my new alien friends are on board. Now we have nothing to be afraid of when they arrive in full force. Just fire one up, and chill with the aliens and everything will be coolehn. They dont want to ruin our existence or piss on our hopes and dreams, they wanna hang out and learn from us, but someone needs to tell this to the government, because is they get off course, or land somewhere on this planet other than California after November in full force, well, consider them fucked. I'd bring a wrath too if I showed up to smoke a blunt, and dudes in suits took me away to dudes in lab coats to cut my ass open and poke me with sharp shit. It's uncalled for. And these guys will bring more than fire and brimstone, i'm talking some parallel dimension shit that'll rearrange the atoms in your body worse than a freight train ramming through a ten foot tall cake. Basically, do the world a fucking favor and get registered in time to vote in November, and vote yes to legalize weed. California needs this to take a step in the right direction to get back to being the world's 5th largest economy. Weed sucks, fuck you.

I hope you feel dumber after reading all of this.

This song fucking rules.

And for dessert, Chilled Monkey Brains.

What a weekend. I'm gonna try to recap everything awesome that happened this weekend. I had plenty of new experiences this weekend. We went to the Taj Mahal this weekend. The flight to Dehli was ridiculous. So many screaming kids kicking my seat on the plane. At one point, Greg was so frustrated that he said "the kid's eyes are dry" We land in Dehli, where 16 million people live. Sketchiest ride so far. I"m sitting in the back of an SUV with the bags in the trunk area with the door that didnt shut all the way, and fumes were coming in the car pretty bad. Started to get nausea and a head trip. Every time the driver slowed down a huge white cloud of smoke came from our car. Did not sleep much that night. Had to leave at 6am, and realized while brushing my teeth in the street that there were fires everywhere. These were trash fires on the street. No garbage service, it's cool, just burn it on the street. Managed to get a dog all riled up by barking at it. Next was a 4-5 hour car ride to the city of Agra to see the Taj Mahal. Our driver got out at some check point and our car got stormed by street peddlers. A one eyed man tried to sell me peacock feathers. Then a man with monkeys came up to the car, and we took pictures. He then starts beating on the window. I crack the door yelling at him to stop. I started to lose it, because he would not let go of the door, because he was demanding money. My mistake for opening the door, but he started mocking me, it was pretty hilarious. He demanded 500 rupees, and we gave him twenty to shut the fuck up. He didnt, and kept beating on the window. Saw a monkey in a dress, and a dancing cobra. Wanted my picture taken with them today, but didnt feel up to it, because I was tired and ready to get to the airport. I love India, but this place is fucking disgusting. People pissing/shitting everywhere on the streets. Burning trash everywhere. Not giving a fuck about anything. Definitely makes me appreciate America a lot more than I already do.

The Taj Mahal was one of the most magnificent things I've ever seen. Being there, and taking a step back to look at it, and continually asking myself, "what the fuck am I doing here? How did I end up here?" It was breath taking, and amazing. Seeing a dude who walks on all fours because his legs are bent the wrong way sucks. Polio is still rampant here. We are at the Taj Mahal and people seemed more interested in my tattoos. Still blows my mind. They are not beautiful, they are stupid, but the Indians think they are a work of art. We also went to the Agra Fort, which is huge and really cool. Being in a structure that is 500 years old. It smelled like dead people bathed in shit. Still though, my favorite part of the Fort was the view of the Taj. Our hotel was hella gross. We had a $90 duck for dinner last night at John's hotel. He stayed in the posh hotel, while we stayed at the noise palace. After dinner we were having drinks and I couldnt tell what the lady was singing and I kept thinking it was Morrissey songs, but they werent. She asked for requests, and we got "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion, and "Purple Rain" by Prince. There are no butt snorkels in Agra/Dehli, just a lil bucket of water with no instructions. A kid comes up to me and held out his hand and said "money."

We got stuck in a religous parade today trying to leave Agra. Cows all over the road. Met some Iranians at a truck stop. I dont hate Iran like some of the older generations of Americans, and these guys told me "Ah, America. Great freedoms. We have zero freedom in Iran" I didnt know what to say, but it is something I'll never forget. We get to the airport, and security took my lighter. Like a dumbass, I say hey can I get my lighter back. I'll give you 50 rupees, and the guy rolls his eyes. I say 100, and he waves me over. This is where the situation got a little tense. He said something about you say that word in America, and I say "huh, I just want my lighter." He then takes my airplane ticket and says "I have not cleared you" and threatens me with jail. He was trying to intimidate me saying something about bribery, but everyone says that all the cops are bribed, and told him I just wanted my lighter, and no problems. He got real stern, and told me to go on. Laters, lighter. It was a bic, too. They dont have bic's in India. I hope he at least gave it to his son, or nephew. All kinds of thoughts of going to jail went through my head, what I would do, what my group would've done. I apologized to them, and realized I prolly shouldnt run my mouth in a 3rd world country, especially to guys with sticks that can turn into automatic weapons.

I wouldnt say that I'm ready to come home, but some of the people I am with are going home this week, and I'd be lying if I didnt say I am somewhat jealous. America rules. I appreciate America even more after this weekend of seeing more of the shit hole of India. Why do people live like this? Because they have no other choice, and that fucking sucks. Also, this weekend was United Blood in Richmond. One of my favorite fests, and I have seen some pics and read some reviews and it sounded awesome. Wish I couldve been there. India rules, and I wish I was staying longer than two months. I'd like to see it all, and experience as much as possible.

My mustache has power out here. India understands the power stache, and the force that comes with it. I've seen so many sick staches, and gotten so many compliments for having a ridiculous mustache. Seems corny, but it's funny. Some of the car door openers at this hotel had the most serious staches I've ever seen. I'll put the pics up soon.

Rancid 2000. One of the best albums of all time. I dont think i've ever listened to it without listening all the way through. I dont know any other album you can do that. I have only listened to it from start to finish, and it's been out for ten years.

Ghandi was a pussy

Title is for Nate, not how I feel. Went to the largest IMAX screen in Southeast Asia tonight to see Avatar in IMAX 3D. I got to wear some serious bug eyed glasses. Ferngully II was a pretty cool movie. James Cameron will always bring Lt. Ripley to fight the good fight in the future. So, the movie is Ferngully/Aliens/Titanic all mixed into one, with snippets of the soundtracks from each of those movies. And it only cost me a little less than 5 US doll hairs. Big apology to all the Indians toes I stepped on to get to my seat, it was dark and they were assigned.

Cab rides should be interesting from here on out. I'm gonna take the rickshaw tuk-tuk everywhere. Rave in a mini-cab. We build our own cab, a cab within a cab.

I love the food out here, but it all looks like slop that is portrayed as elementary school food, or military chow. I cant bring myself to do it, but I always think of my 2nd favorite movie. "whats with this kibble". Been listening to a lot of Get Up Kids, new Bouncing Souls, and Andrew W.K.

I dont shit outta my nose, so I know what bullshit smells like

The internet on my floor at my hotel has been haywire for a few days. And I was gonna post a bunch of pics, I guess that will have to wait until I get back to the grand ole U. S. of A. Insurance overhaul bill went through, and the only part that everyone seems to agree on is a ten percent tax on tanning salons. Which might be the most blatant, and most discriminatory part of the bill. I think tanning is stupid, but to each their own. What's next, if someone chooses to go barefoot tax. Now, Im getting a signal at the bottom of the screen that this publishing may fail. I hope not. Ok this thing is being a fuck tard.

Highlights include

-man at bar discussing problem with America is everyone is addicted to drugs, and no family support. Then, his friend walks up and says "with a sign you can say. Gimme a dollar to build a space ship to get back to Uranus" and Americans will support their drug habit. Then, they asked me if I was down with the KKK. Blew my fucking mind. Seriously.

-Kids asking me all kinds of crazy questions. They asked me who my favorite wrestler is, I say Stone Cold and they dont know who he is. I say, John Cena and they go wild. Then, I say C.M. Punk, and one kid yells "STRAIGHT EDGE SUPERSTAR" I wish I had a video camera on me at all times for shit like that.

-Indian HBO cuts out the totters from the movie Starship Troopers. But, hey it's Starship Troopers and it's better than watching Telegoo Telethon.

-I told the driver that Alex wets the bed, and he shouldnt sit in the front seat of the car.

-We get searched everywhere we go, not just us,everyone does. So, I always put my arms in the air like I'm getting arrested.

-I wore an $800 gold chain for an hour. And an Indian showed me a UFO in street view, it was awesome.

-Cops towing a motorcycle by having back hatch of SUV open with two guys holding up the front wheel.

I forgot a lot of things. I need to keep a journal, or notepad on me at all times, so I can remember all of these crazy things. I'm going to the Taj Mahal this weekend, should be fun. I hope I get to teen wolf an elephant. I wish there was a hardcore show to see out here. I've seen every character from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

This is a test.

Checking to see if the internet has slowed so much that I cant post.

It's time to teen-wolf the fuck outta this rickshaw

The longer I stay in India, the weirder I get. I'm trapped in another dimension, and it's more than I ever dreamed of. I never dreamed of being in India. Around every corner is some next level shit. Tonight a security guy at the City Center Mall let me hold his stick and hit a Rickshaw(tuk-tuk truck) with it. It was hella loud, and then I got a high five from the guy. Every moment here makes my mind wander. Am I losing it? Nope, it's just getting better and better.

Sometimes I think what I wouldnt do to have the ability to travel like a Power Ranger. I could morph anywhere, and hang out with all the people I miss around the U.S., and travel to far off lands like the moon. Spring Break 2010 on the moon aint got shit on Bike Week 89! You better believe my space/morphin suit would be painted like a hawaiian shirt cut like a tank top. Which leads me to believe that somewhere at some point an astronaut had to have a rebel streak in him to bring some champagne or some sort of alcohol into space. With all the men and women that have been to space to search the unknown had to bring a drink, because their balls aint that big to do wild shit like that without at least one person having or demanding a drink in space. Yea, they put that Tang and Tab to good use as a mixer, because if the astrounaut did not bring the booze, then some low level ops maintenance mechanic food chef filled a space bag full of booze to play a prank on one of the astronauts. "Houston, we have a problem. The Earth is spinning." and Mission Control states "No Shit". But, as an astronaut you couldnt get too drunk, because if you vomit, then you have to swim through it to find some vacuum or paper towels to clean it up, or worst case scenario your helmet is on, and everyone will laugh at you, and you swim with vomit inside your space helmet and it's all over your hair and dripping down your chest, and the other crew members wont let you take off your suit or helmet, because that smell aint going away until you get back to Earth. And if you are on a long mission, like months on the space station, then you are that guy for a long time, and the crew hates you, in which you get sent home early which costs millions of dollars. But, seriously what would the punishment be, you've already been to space so your life's mission is accomplished, and when you tour college campuses giving speeches you will be a hero, and have free booze from every bar/fraternity/sorority because you got wasted in space, and it cost millions and no one did anything about it to disclipline you. Really wish I could get to space one day. I still dont believe i'm on the opposite side of the planet. Crazy how small and irrelevant we all are on this planet. Space Beer, it's outta this world.

I dont know if I put this in an earlier post, but Tuesday a man was laid out in the middle of the road in the median. I asked the driver if he was dead, and should we go see if he is ok. The driver tells me, sir he just had too much wine. It was 2 in the afternoon. Imagine a guy on 5th avenue in NYC just laid the fuck out not moving blacked out.

I cant stop listening to this song.

It's St. Patty's Day

Eat a dick shit bag.

If you aint listening to More to Pride, you aint listening to shit.

Now aint the time to tell me you forgot the tickets to the monster truck rally, we're at the fucking door.

Still in India. Still love it. I got my picture taken with a clown few days ago. I asked him to make the meanest face he could for the camera, and he said "NO" in the best english I've heard since I got here. It's because he cant. His muscles wont let him make a mean face while looking like an idiot pedophile that haunts dreams. A clown never put a smile on anyone's face, it was their funny shaped balloons that dont look anything like a dog. I might buy a motorcycle when I get back to the homeland.

We went to the Golconda Fort today. I doubt the spelling is correct, but it was awesome. A fort built 400-500 years ago. At the top, you can see all of Hyderabad. The view was spectacular, I could sit up there all day. More Indians wanted their picture taken with me. I got one Indian to yell "DALE EARNHARDT" with me while our picture was taken, then, he jumped on me like a fucking monkey. Freaked me out a bit, because he wouldnt let go. On the way there I saw water buffaloes in the road, goats in the road, chickens everywhere, and an outdoor butcher with animals hanging in the open hot air.

I wish they had a country music station. The internet is too slow to stream anything, so it's all Bouncing Souls and Death Threat, which isnt a bad thing. We found cold Budweisers, mission accomplished. Living in a hotel room for a week kinda sucks, but its awesome to be in this majestic place. If only I had a swimming pool or lake to swim/chill at every day after work, ha. Kinda boring out here at times, which is a good/bad thing, because it makes my mind think of the weirdest shit. Good because it's funny and laughter is the best therapy, bad because it's innappropriate and no one thinks that is funny, and the words outta my mouth make me look like an ignorant asshole. Oh well, Stone Cold Steve Austin Day is coming up soon.

I'm making it my duty to get in a movie while I'm out here.

This is the funniest thing in cinema history.

This butt snorkel aint gonna spray itself.

I've been in Hyderabad for a week, and it rules. The best comparison I can think of is, imagine you are at a water park/amusement park and no one follows any of the rules, and it's a wasteland, but it works. How, I dunno, but it works. This is a magical, majestic land where nothing makes sense. My friend Alex is here, and it's great to have someone around that I hang with outside of work at home. Fuck, I just spilt water all over my crotch, and it looks like I pee'd my pants, I didnt, but I'm gonna let it ride.

I finally got the courage to use the butt snorkel. This might be one of the greatest inventions ever, for the setting I'm in. See, the butt snorkel is exactly like a sprayer from your sink used to wash/rinse dishes. Except, this hopefully, has more pressure and a longer hose, but not always, sometimes its a little hectic. I have not caught the dehli belly, but toilet paper is a little to harsh for me right now, since curry or spicy as all hell chinese food are the choices to eat. It's pretty common physics, dont put paper on a fire, because it will flame up. Put water on it to cool it off. My asshole is on fire, so I use the butt snorkel. Thank you India for making sense, and agreeing with physics, at least on one topic.

I got drunk last night, and some how managed to dry heave curry this morning. Yep, that sucked. Musta been butter tikka chicken masala. We went to a 7-star hotel for brunch today. It was a buffett, and they had steak and lobster, which is obnoxious and awesome for where we are located. They have a pool, and there were sexy ladies everywhere, maybe not so sexy, but I havent seen any white women in a week, hahahha. This hotel has two bouncy castles, and a man told me the bouncy castle is too small for me. Quick gripe, other people have stayed at the said 7 star hotel, and I hear that the guest houses/flats were ten steps above where I am staying. Oh well, free place to stay and travel, its not horrible where I am, but it's not great, ha. I'm guess I'm jealous. It's hella loud here. Cars honking all night long, rabid dogs barking. I'm on the top floor, and the power does not go out on my floor, but it does on my coworker's floors.



Independence Day is on tv. They had the inside scoop of what's gonna happen in two years. Hopefully, Randy Quiad comes through and saves the planet. "UP YOURS"

Slayer.

But, sir. We dont make flying carpets with overdrive.

It's Wednesday, and your ass oughta be in church. Another day in paradise. I've become pretty comfortable with this place, where nothing is shocking. I love India, its fucking awesome. Everything about it is so wild, and I know I keep repeating this, but it's true. Nothing makes sense, but it makes perfect sense. Huh.

Not much exciting stuff to report. A man at work did ask me if I like wrestling and who my hero is. We then talked about wrestlers from nineties, and he told me that The Undertaker is his favorite with his Harley. Then, when I said how bout Stone Cold Steve Austin, and his eyes lit up, and he said "great opening music. Glass shatters, and beers are slammed together." I love it. I met a man who lived in Milpitas for a few years, which was cool to talk about home. A few minutes of comfort, because most of the time when people ask where I'm from, I have to first say "U.S." and then California, and they may or may not know. Or I dont know if they understand.

We went to dinner inside of an old train, inside a restraunt on the 5th floor of a mall. I got tickets for the Murder City Devils at Slim's when I get home. Joe leaves to walk the trail after this weekend. He is going to die out there. I'm gonna miss ya Joe. Rod Stewart party in the boom boom room 5th floor in Madhapur. Get witttthhhhhh ittttttt!!!!!!!!!!

In India flying carpet drives you.

I might not have anything remotely close to American goods in this foreign land, but god damn it I got Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola Classic. So much has gone on since my first post, and the jet lag has been something serious. I'm just now getting the hang of everything, and I havent Hiroshima'd outta my ass yet. This is a magical place, and I'm lost in the wrong dimension, but somehow its planet Earth. I always knew aliens existed, just never seen them, maybe the Indians are aliens, or maybe that's just what they want me to think with their good food and precious moments that leave me wondering whether I should laugh or cry. Its literally like watching a movie that you want to change the channel, but somehow you just cant, because you are left wondering, is this it? Is there more? Man, thats nuts? Well enough of that shit, I'll recap what I've done so far, and why it is awesome, sucked, or beyond my ordinary.

I'll get the bad shit outta way, so if you choose to read this entire post you will have a smile on your face. I really didnt know what to expect with this culture other than its completely different, and that some aspects are very poor. Well, its worse than poor, and I've felt a little humanitarian side come out of me, and there is nothing I can do about it. A woman over 60 with no eyes is guided through traffic, and our driver locks the windows and doors, so she puts her eyeless face without eye patches on my window. I cant get that image out of my head. Also, kids coming up to me without pants or underwear begging for money. Dear Indians, I do not like it when you repeatedly tap me on the arm. You arent getting any money from me, because I know you'll give it to your father/husband who is the head of your household, or dwelling. Sorry, it sucks, and I hate it. Only other thing that sucks, is that its so dry. The heat isnt so bad yet, but walking around is so dusty and I have dirt boogers, and have already had two bloody noses. Hopefully they dont keep occuring during my stay.

This next part will be a list of some sort of the cool shit i've seen or done. The food is fucking fantastic, and I havent had the repercussions. The service is outstanding, and I pay $5 US for a meal and service that would cost me over $100 in the states. The chinese food is some of the best I've ever had. I wish I could drink the water from the faucet, but I dont want bugs living in my belly causing me to summon demons 20 times in one day. Sorry faucet. I saw a guy chunking fruit hard as hell at a monkey in a tree. Walking around on any street is like being in Panama City Beach for Spring Break, its a riot everywhere. The way everyone drives is the gnarliest thing ever. I feel like I"m going to crash every 8 seconds while in a car. Dr. Pepper is called Thumbs Up. People eat rice and curry with their hands, which is why there are hand washing stations everywhere when you are finished eating. I have jumped on my rock of a bed. Everyone stares, and I mean they can see through my soul, and if they got their wish they would turn on their laser eyes and burn up the tattoos that they can see. Motorcycles are everywhere. Every female dog has just had a litter of pups, and I'm glad they dont want to get near me.

Alot of people speak English, but when you ask a question the response is usually something that has nothing to do with what you asked, and its most of the time very hard to understand people, but I'm working on that. I asked my driver where to buy flying carpets, and he didnt understand, so my friends in the back seat said, "you know like Aladdin" and the drivers starts to tell me that Laden is in Afghanistan and that we will never find him. He then goes on to say that Laden is very clever, and then says you know he flew planes to blow up World Trade Center in 2006 and that we will never find him, even if we blew up every cave in Afghanistan. I almost choked from holding back laughter, and didnt have the heart to tell him, I just wanted a flying carpet and the towers fell in 2001. Just another misunderstanding.

The people here all want a picture with me like I"m some sort of celebrity. Its pretty funny, they get so excited, and they want to take a picture with a tall large white male with tattoos. I wonder if they go home to their family and show them the picture and say check out this idiot, or if they are still as excited as when they took the picture. Hell, I"m prolly printed out and hanging on some fridge or on some email threads, which really blows my mind. The situations that arise here are really awkward and I just laugh most of the time. Today a coworker asked me "sir, how do you get so awesome?" Everyone's response to anything is a side head bobble with the words okay sir. I'm working on my bobble, its getting awesome.

I went to this huge monument called Charminar and went to the top that looks over a really busy part of the city. We then went to this palace, and I got my picture taken dressed as a king with necklaces, native dress/attire, and a fucking FEZ. The pic is in black and white, and is better than the pic of me pouring beer on my head with the cruise ship in the background. I went to this huge Buddha statue that is in the middle of a lake. The murial at the playground had a great white shark eating a dolphin.

I've looked at maps/globes my whole life, and it doesnt feel like I'm on the other side of the planet. Maybe, I'm in a lab in Babalama(Alabama), and they gave me a bunch of halucinogens. Nope, this is too real, because my bathroom has a shower head in it. No shower, the water hits the floor and drains next to the toilet. So, this leaves me with the question every morning, should I pee in the shower, or am I peeing on the floor in my bathroom, I"m gonna leave it at that. HA HAHA. Work is great.

I'm still working on my list, but some things that I must do here are party in a rickshaw. Andrew WK dance party in my hotel room. Ride an elephant and a camel. Keep high fiving everyone. Get a flying carpet. Find a train horn to put in the drivers car, or a get a dixie horn shipped out here. The driver told me "if no honk, no drive" these guys honk to let you know they are there, and they honk all the time. I hope to update this more often with thoughts, and observations.

India is wild, totally different than anything I've ever experienced before, and I love it.

This carpet aint gonna fly itself

Im starting this thing to highlight all of the stupid things that happen to me in my daily life while in India for two months. If anything, it will be easy for me to look back and laugh at a lot of situations I have found myself in that dont make sense.

Getting here was a trek. Tuesday night, got drunk and Thuggy passed out in the garage. I got woken up at 3 am to what sounded like someone falling into walls, it was loud. I tried to go back to sleep, but it kept happening, and I had to pee, so I opened the door to the garage and Thuggy is standing in the dark behind a bunch of furniture. I ask "what the fuck are you doing in the dark" he responds, "just fightin for my right to party, ya feel me." He had been passed out for 3 hours at this point. Laters sleep that night. Woke up, and thought I lost my ipod. I didnt, but am still at the conclusion that I cant own nice things.

Morning was nice in San Jose, but San Francisco was pouring,windy, and cold. Plane ride was awesome. Nicest ride ever. Still dont know how I ended up in Dubai, in a smoke room that was not ventalated. People were squatting in this room, to get away from all the smoke near the ceiling. Get on plane in Dubai to get to India, and the clusterfuck has begun. Someone needs to tell them "this isnt Vietnom, there are rules". People getting up before we get to the terminal, hella people. People rushing to get off the plane, pushing and what not. Luckily, got my bags with no problem. People were sleeping on the grass outside the airport. The ride from the airport was too sketch. Hella dark, with the steering wheel on the right side of the car. My seat belt didnt work, so the driver wrapped it around the emergency brake. He ran up on a motorcycle, and honked the shit outta him, instead of going around. Hotel seems nice, but me and Greg are sharing a room until 8 am. I dont know what time it is, or day, hahaha.

So far, India looks like a slum warzone, but thats only in the dark, and I first got sketched out because I thought we would be in a city, which I guess is defined in different ways with different people. A 30 minute drive in pitch black dark, to buildings that look like they are falling apart, and people everywhere at 4 am. I'll prolly change my mind on this when the sun comes up. A few wild dogs came up on me while smoking a ciggarrette and our driver doesnt look when turning, he just merges and honks. Panic attack.

I have yet to finish my to do list, but feel free to make me one, and I will try to accomplish all tasks. I hope to update this daily, or a few times a week, along with pics. Aye fool, where are all the flying carpets. Yes sir. Yes Sir.