In India flying carpet drives you.

I might not have anything remotely close to American goods in this foreign land, but god damn it I got Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola Classic. So much has gone on since my first post, and the jet lag has been something serious. I'm just now getting the hang of everything, and I havent Hiroshima'd outta my ass yet. This is a magical place, and I'm lost in the wrong dimension, but somehow its planet Earth. I always knew aliens existed, just never seen them, maybe the Indians are aliens, or maybe that's just what they want me to think with their good food and precious moments that leave me wondering whether I should laugh or cry. Its literally like watching a movie that you want to change the channel, but somehow you just cant, because you are left wondering, is this it? Is there more? Man, thats nuts? Well enough of that shit, I'll recap what I've done so far, and why it is awesome, sucked, or beyond my ordinary.

I'll get the bad shit outta way, so if you choose to read this entire post you will have a smile on your face. I really didnt know what to expect with this culture other than its completely different, and that some aspects are very poor. Well, its worse than poor, and I've felt a little humanitarian side come out of me, and there is nothing I can do about it. A woman over 60 with no eyes is guided through traffic, and our driver locks the windows and doors, so she puts her eyeless face without eye patches on my window. I cant get that image out of my head. Also, kids coming up to me without pants or underwear begging for money. Dear Indians, I do not like it when you repeatedly tap me on the arm. You arent getting any money from me, because I know you'll give it to your father/husband who is the head of your household, or dwelling. Sorry, it sucks, and I hate it. Only other thing that sucks, is that its so dry. The heat isnt so bad yet, but walking around is so dusty and I have dirt boogers, and have already had two bloody noses. Hopefully they dont keep occuring during my stay.

This next part will be a list of some sort of the cool shit i've seen or done. The food is fucking fantastic, and I havent had the repercussions. The service is outstanding, and I pay $5 US for a meal and service that would cost me over $100 in the states. The chinese food is some of the best I've ever had. I wish I could drink the water from the faucet, but I dont want bugs living in my belly causing me to summon demons 20 times in one day. Sorry faucet. I saw a guy chunking fruit hard as hell at a monkey in a tree. Walking around on any street is like being in Panama City Beach for Spring Break, its a riot everywhere. The way everyone drives is the gnarliest thing ever. I feel like I"m going to crash every 8 seconds while in a car. Dr. Pepper is called Thumbs Up. People eat rice and curry with their hands, which is why there are hand washing stations everywhere when you are finished eating. I have jumped on my rock of a bed. Everyone stares, and I mean they can see through my soul, and if they got their wish they would turn on their laser eyes and burn up the tattoos that they can see. Motorcycles are everywhere. Every female dog has just had a litter of pups, and I'm glad they dont want to get near me.

Alot of people speak English, but when you ask a question the response is usually something that has nothing to do with what you asked, and its most of the time very hard to understand people, but I'm working on that. I asked my driver where to buy flying carpets, and he didnt understand, so my friends in the back seat said, "you know like Aladdin" and the drivers starts to tell me that Laden is in Afghanistan and that we will never find him. He then goes on to say that Laden is very clever, and then says you know he flew planes to blow up World Trade Center in 2006 and that we will never find him, even if we blew up every cave in Afghanistan. I almost choked from holding back laughter, and didnt have the heart to tell him, I just wanted a flying carpet and the towers fell in 2001. Just another misunderstanding.

The people here all want a picture with me like I"m some sort of celebrity. Its pretty funny, they get so excited, and they want to take a picture with a tall large white male with tattoos. I wonder if they go home to their family and show them the picture and say check out this idiot, or if they are still as excited as when they took the picture. Hell, I"m prolly printed out and hanging on some fridge or on some email threads, which really blows my mind. The situations that arise here are really awkward and I just laugh most of the time. Today a coworker asked me "sir, how do you get so awesome?" Everyone's response to anything is a side head bobble with the words okay sir. I'm working on my bobble, its getting awesome.

I went to this huge monument called Charminar and went to the top that looks over a really busy part of the city. We then went to this palace, and I got my picture taken dressed as a king with necklaces, native dress/attire, and a fucking FEZ. The pic is in black and white, and is better than the pic of me pouring beer on my head with the cruise ship in the background. I went to this huge Buddha statue that is in the middle of a lake. The murial at the playground had a great white shark eating a dolphin.

I've looked at maps/globes my whole life, and it doesnt feel like I'm on the other side of the planet. Maybe, I'm in a lab in Babalama(Alabama), and they gave me a bunch of halucinogens. Nope, this is too real, because my bathroom has a shower head in it. No shower, the water hits the floor and drains next to the toilet. So, this leaves me with the question every morning, should I pee in the shower, or am I peeing on the floor in my bathroom, I"m gonna leave it at that. HA HAHA. Work is great.

I'm still working on my list, but some things that I must do here are party in a rickshaw. Andrew WK dance party in my hotel room. Ride an elephant and a camel. Keep high fiving everyone. Get a flying carpet. Find a train horn to put in the drivers car, or a get a dixie horn shipped out here. The driver told me "if no honk, no drive" these guys honk to let you know they are there, and they honk all the time. I hope to update this more often with thoughts, and observations.

India is wild, totally different than anything I've ever experienced before, and I love it.